Need a mental break. Escape. Adventure. To reconnect with oneself. I cannot remember the last time I felt like an individual.

So this is what life dealt me

When your at that breaking point....
 when you just want to give up.

When your best friend stops talking to you..
and Your closest male friend says he’s started to look for an apartment to move away closer to his Work. Honestly, this feels as if  someone is crushing my heart. Squeezing my throat. That feeling of loss. Confusion. Why does this have to happen ...Or at all...please tell me what I should do :(


My Heart Breaks 💔

What is Passive-aggressive behavior? My ex claimed he had it and all I can think of is all the emotional turmoil over a 10 year period I had. Lets back up a bit and lets look up the definition of a Passive-aggressive person....

Resentment and opposition.
Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others demands.
Cynical, or hostile attitude.
Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated.

All I can say is that I remember him looking down at me yelling as I was looking upwards. The hatred in his eyes and the expression on his face. I was scared. Over the years I let a lot go with the way he spoke to me and ran to his mom for some guidance and explanation. She would say it was due to his childhood and I tried to feel a compassion and felt like I needed to help him in some sort of way. But the emotional abuse got worse and worse. So bad id cry myself to sleep at night and sleep alone. Or I would go sleep with my daughter in the middle of the night. I felt so alone but knew I had her to want and need me if she woke. Its strange because I think back of our first few years together and It was perfect. We listened to music would take road trips. I felt safe and loved.

Over time, I'm not sure if he just got more and more comfortable and felt it was ok to start with the mental abuse. I seen it from the way he spoke to his mother or sister but never in my life I thought it would happen to me. It all started in doses. Yes doses. Until it got to the point where he would scream, yell, punch a wall and walk out for days at a time. It was horrible the way I lived. I didn't tell anyone for a whole year that I was actually living alone with 2 young children in a home. He would leave for days at a time. Come home. Get clothes. Then leave again. I still get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I finally left the man that I had loved all those years. And till this day, I still fight anxiety in my soul.

Needing something different.

Never  be with someone that allows you to go to bed feeling unloved confused and lonely. My ex played mind games all the time. I would cry myself to sleep feeling lost and alone. 11 years later I’ve allowed myself to feel unloved confused and lonely. What the fuck is wrong with me??

This time it threw me off my feet. Literally. It will be difficult driving and looking down that street. Missing hurts. Imagining hurts. Listening to music hurts. The heart hurts. I need to move forward. I need to leave the past in the past.

I need something. It’s lacking hurtfully. When I feel at a high something darts the soul and failure is proved.

Smitten is outdated. Fake as a dart in the eye. I wish I can run. Run till I fall. And for you to be there to pick me up and hold me. To wipe my tears and tell me you love me and that your not going anywhere.

Your just like me. Don’t leave..

When you realize..
You lost love. 😔

Moving forward

Keep your morals & standards high.

Make healthy choices.

Be non-destructive. 

Bad association spoil useful habits.

Stay away from toxic people. 

Set goals.

Travel.

Accomplish goals.

Make new friends. 

Love completely.

Be honest.

Read a book.

Smile more:) 

Be a kind person.

Be understanding.

Love yourself.

Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes.

Baby Come Back

That moment of freedom.
You’ve felt as if the life had been truly sucked of you.

You now feel human again.
And it’s exactly what was needed.

To travel the world..

“Get your passport and let’s GO on an Adventure!”

I’m so happy to hear your traveling around the world. Please take lots of pictures!

“Mexico, China, Thailand, Eygpt, Georgia then Tennessee the Red wood Forest.”

Someday I’ll see the world. Just like you.

Thank you.

Pills & Potions

I want to feel complete. Loved. The whole nine yards. I want to enjoy Saturday, Sunday mornings with the man i love. I know it can happen. I know its possible. Those sweet fresh mornings. The tender touch. The love in the air. The feeling of togetherness of going for a morning drive and enjoying the sun or the smell of fresh air next to a walking path. The sound of water and the taste of coffee. His gentle kiss. He then takes your hand in his and you both walk. I want those days with someone. I want the morning coffee on the porch. I want it all. I've never been so ready for that feeling in my whole entire life. To make someone happy and proud. Proud to have each other. To love and support.

Anything is possible..

Good Morning 😍 Breakfast of Champions

 

A Tamale, Pan dulce & Coffee My kind of AM

Studies have shown on an average it cost a single person in America about $1500.00 a month to live and that is not including necessities.  The cost to raise one child is about $14,000.00 annually until there age 17. The cost of daycare can average anywhere from $600.-$700.00 a month after the age of 2 years old. That's an average of  $7-$8,000. a year in child care for one child. Minimum wage in the state of California is $11.00.

On that note id like to share this story with you..

I have met and got to speak with this one young lady that is a single mother of two children ages 16 and 12. There father has been known to be in and out of there children's lives since there youngest was the age of 9 months old. I asked this young mother how does she do it? She said she works full time and yet at times she feels as if shes living pay check to pay check. The father does not help. The only time he shows any sort of father in him is maby twice a year. He will take the kids to a local store and by them shampoo and supplies and a few outfits and fills there pocket with 50-100 dollars per child. She said at times it gets very frustrating especially when the children have been known to use there money on junk and random items. While the cost of living is going up she has not gotten a decent raze in a very long time. She works just over minimum wage and sells things to make ends meet. I asked her if she gets any assistance from Human Services. She said she used to. But since she works full-time she does not qualify for it any longer. Its been a struggle. She doesn't realize how people play the system and receive food stamps and cash aide yet she feels like shes drowning at times living pay check to pay check and now owes the social services money back. Its so frustrating how this system works. She explained its not the children's fault. Its the parent that is absent. When you add up the cost of living from shelter to utilities, food, clothing, school books, and field trips. Shoes, to everyday necessities, from projects to extra activities. Everything  just adds up. She also said she would of never have had a child with someone if shed known they would be absent. Shes ever is so thankful for her children though, its the love and laughter of those two that keep her going and continues to be a good parent for her loving children. She will never ever leave them. She is also so thankful for the love of her own family and friends that have turned into family. They are truly the best that have been such a huge support in her children's lives.

Kudos to all the moms and dads that are raising children on there own. And man up to it. Because we all know life is not cheap. I told her, you have the most precious gifts to hold you up. Your are doing an excellent job. And at times you may feel overwhelmed, you are a great mother and you get to have all the love and joys and accomplishments that those two beautiful souls bring and share with you. You are the reason there life is successful. Your children are shining. They are smart good people. And YOU are to be commended.

Keep on Keepin..

It was cold. And yet cozy. She loved the sound of the rain. And so did he. He lit a fire. They both looked at each other and said this feels absolutely amazing. Smiled and snuggled up enjoying each others company.  They both were ever so lucky to have each others friendship. The kind when you can call on each other and know that if one was ever feeling lonely the other would be there to hold the other up. There was no guessing game but true friendship.

They made hot choclate and spoke about each others day. He loved hearing about her hard day at work. She loved how he would listen intently & find her so interesting.

He had just started a new job. And winning. His laugh filled the air. He was funny & charming. They would talk about anything and everything. They never took each other for granted. Enjoyed each others company.

Friends till the end.

Midnight

Woke up in a pool full of sweat. 

I stretch out my arm in need of the touch. But all i feel is my pillows. Its softness brings me comfort. I literally baracade myself at night with pillows.

I sit up.

Thinking that i was late for work.

Take a look at the clock and all i slept was 2 hours. 

My mind was racing in my dream.

Dreaming of him. 

His kiss.

I could taste his salty sweet skin.

His scent.

i love it.

I was driving on the most familiar road. Afraid.

It was dark. 

Feeling alone and so many thoughts fill my mind. 

Death be one.

How to achieve happiness the other.

Afraid of being late.

Thoughts of how to prove my value at work.

How to support the team.

How to raise my children and be a better mom.

Thoughts of how to be a better daughter

Better sister better tia.

A more lovable supportive girlfriend, best friend, a great lady in general.

The power of the mind. 

Races when your alone driving into darkeness.

And does not shut off even when your asleep at night. 

Now im wide awake. 

I go over to my window. Open it. I can feel the fresh air. It feels soft and gentle on my skin.

I drink Ice cold water to cool me down.

I am finally feeling more relaxed.

I want to kiss and love now.

Ssshhhh

I have not failed.

I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

-Thomas A. Edison

That feeling you get when you’ve realized your just not enough.

Sitting at a local pub enjoying a drink.

Notices a young man standing at the bar smiling & laughing.

Sips his beer.

As he turns and glances she smiles and looks away.

She looks back and they both smile.

He then continues to chat with his male friend standing so close to him.

He then places his hand over his friends hand and looks over his shoulder and smiles at her.

Hes so full of life. 

In so many ways.

She smiles back and takes a drink.

Enjoying herself in her own skin.