I've never felt this way in my life. Alone, and empty inside. My bones & stomach hurt. I fill like a zombie just living and watching everyone's else's life go by. The feeling hurts so deep. Why am I even here? I love my family. My girls are what helps me get threw the day. I love them so much, my heart hurts. I want them to be happy and know I've done so much for them. I wanted to have 2 children so they can always have each other. And I'm happy they do. I want them to know that the choices I've made are the choices what I thought were for the best. And to always know I love them always in my heart and there's. There's so many people that love them and they have there whole life ahead of them. A lot of bumps in the road but they will be just fine. I feel like I'm struggling to make ends meet. This is so tough being a single mom, working after 8 years. Having to start at the bottom again. Back in 02 I was making 12. A hour & bringing in 80 bucks in tips every night. I'm trying with all my power to achieve that again. I'm thinking of moving. A start over, better school for the girls. Maby a school where the kids can be in smaller class rooms and get the education they need for a bright comfortable future. Set goals and be independent women. They deserve that chance. And as a mother I my have to make that choice.

Close your eyes
Clear your heart
Let it go

The only joy in my life are my two girls.

Ive learned from time to time...
Never to become to attached.


I have been hurt.
Im scared.
Ive givin in.
Ive learn to feel.


Ive learned to put up a guard.
To protect my heart.
My feelings.
My thoughts.


I know what it feels like to be free.
Its scary,
To feel free.
Its unsettling.


I want to feel again.
But dont want the pain...again.


Its a chance every soul must take.

4/2012 :)

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came

You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
So let's go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me

Turn the lights out now
Now I'll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Can you spend a little time,
Time is slipping away from us so stay,
Stay with me I can make,
Make you glad you came

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came

You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
So let's go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me

Turn the lights out now
Now I'll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Can you spend a little time,
Time is slipping away from us so stay,
Stay with me I can make,
Make you glad you came

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came

I'm glad you came
So glad you came
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came


The Wanted

My mind races. 4:07am There's complete silence in the air. Another terrible nightmare.

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Sometimes things happen for a reason
Sometimes things happen & we have no control over.
Then there's those moments when things change & we dislike it but have no choice but to live with it.
Live & learn.
Wishing one can go back and start over but..
Impossible.

Complete Nonsense

I really don't know where to start but I feel like blogging. Have you ever felt that way? To just write about nonsense or nothing specific is a healthy way to release whatever the heck your feeling at this very moment. Who gives a shit if it makes sense or not, if it has meaning behind it or just plain ol rambling on. I don't give a hoot ;) Today I walk into Wells Fargo and I look to the left & theres this handsome looking guy with a Fohawk. Now he can rock the Fohawk, no doubt. I see him just about every time I walk in there. He reminds me of a friend way back when. And he smells yummy too. Then, standing right in front of me is this teller that looks yummy & smells yummy too haha..I go to him every time. It just happens this way. Now theres this new guy that works there standing directly behind me and owowee umm forget about it ;) i swear Wells Fargo does this on purpose..hires younger guys & dolls in there 20s earlier 30s on purpose..well, Today was a good day to say the least.. I then went to the gym, had my playtime, ran into a sexy friend. Went home & now I'm snuggled up watching Sex In The City craving a chocolate sundae. Texting a friend...wishing I was drinking a cold beer.

Keep the ones close to you, close to your heart.  
 Let go of the ones that have walked away without caring.
  Keep in mind the few that havnt left your side are Real
  Never let go.

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed it makes you sick inside? Thats called stress. Then a sudden panic & a full blown anxiety attack.So strong you cannot even breathe. So you stay focused on the moment, on the moment your telling yourself to breathe and everything will be ok. So you take your deep breathe and you run threw your mind all the things your thankful for. Your kids, your family, your health, your alive and your breathing. Everything will be ok. Just breathe...

I think back to last year. So much has changed since then. How am i so different now, compared to then? Well for one, im not partying as much. To be honest and real i drank almost everyday at home. Im talking about 2-3 glasses of wine and then partying with friends 3 days out of the week. It started to cool down for a bit towards the end of the year from 3-2 days then to once a week to every 2 weeks id go out on the weekend. ( That was last year) Dont judge me. I felt as if my life was free, a taste of single hood. Something i hadnt had for a long time. My life was a bit out of control for a bit but it reached its breaking point. When a friend left me at the bar. All alone, i was afraid and intoxicated. And all i had was my phone and the few phone calls i made for help at 1am This came to be a eye opener as to who my real friends are and what the Fuck am i doing to my life? My little alchohol addiction needs to slow down. And face whatever i was dealing with instead of stuffing it.

Since then, ive set goals for myself. This year is a new beginning. A new start. I ask myself was that such a wasted year? I tell myself no it wasnt. It was an experiance that made me stronger. I lived it and made it threw. And thankful for my health. My family & the handful of friends that made it over to this year.
Dont get me wrong. I love to party!!! If anyone down to party call me and im there. I still go out and see all my party friends But now i do it on occasion. :)

Staying focused on what needs to get done is most important to me. Family, Job, College education, Excercise & some traveling.

So when you start to feel that anxiety, just remember all that your thankful for. What youve made it threw to get where you are now. Remember the goals you have set for yourself and your family. Breathe, and stay focused because everything will be ok.

"What Breaks us makes us stronger women"

Thank goodness for blogging, this feels good to get out emotions that ive been holding in.
A place where i can type and no one can knock it down.

Try it sometime.

My scope today :P

As a special relationship in your life evolves, you will begin to see greater dimension and learn more about the person you care for. Some of the things you'll find out will be truly wonderful, while other discoveries won't be as pleasant and may even bother you. That's why you will have to continue to look at the relationship as a whole, not the sum of its parts. Your friend or lover has so much to offer you, so make sure you remind yourself of all the pluses anytime you discover something you don't like.

Am in no rush at all but this is crazy!

Words that have no meaning or anything at all

Apples to apples, from dust to dust
Thinking of you makes me wanna cus

You are what you eat so
You look like it too

You better watch yourself
Or youll be all alone too

You never know whos evil
or telling the truth

All i can say is Karma is gonna
get you & thats the honest truth!

Sincerly lil miss Bitch

Living life to the fullest is a fabulous thing. A new start feels good! I feel human. Free. Sexy. Adventurous. A good person with a big heart. There's never a dull moment. Isn't that what life's all about?