Need a mental break. Escape. Adventure. To reconnect with oneself. I cannot remember the last time I felt like an individual.

So this is what life dealt me

When your at that breaking point....
 when you just want to give up.

When your best friend stops talking to you..
and Your closest male friend says he’s started to look for an apartment to move away closer to his Work. Honestly, this feels as if  someone is crushing my heart. Squeezing my throat. That feeling of loss. Confusion. Why does this have to happen ...Or at all...please tell me what I should do :(


My Heart Breaks 💔

What is Passive-aggressive behavior? My ex claimed he had it and all I can think of is all the emotional turmoil over a 10 year period I had. Lets back up a bit and lets look up the definition of a Passive-aggressive person....

Resentment and opposition.
Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others demands.
Cynical, or hostile attitude.
Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated.

All I can say is that I remember him looking down at me yelling as I was looking upwards. The hatred in his eyes and the expression on his face. I was scared. Over the years I let a lot go with the way he spoke to me and ran to his mom for some guidance and explanation. She would say it was due to his childhood and I tried to feel a compassion and felt like I needed to help him in some sort of way. But the emotional abuse got worse and worse. So bad id cry myself to sleep at night and sleep alone. Or I would go sleep with my daughter in the middle of the night. I felt so alone but knew I had her to want and need me if she woke. Its strange because I think back of our first few years together and It was perfect. We listened to music would take road trips. I felt safe and loved.

Over time, I'm not sure if he just got more and more comfortable and felt it was ok to start with the mental abuse. I seen it from the way he spoke to his mother or sister but never in my life I thought it would happen to me. It all started in doses. Yes doses. Until it got to the point where he would scream, yell, punch a wall and walk out for days at a time. It was horrible the way I lived. I didn't tell anyone for a whole year that I was actually living alone with 2 young children in a home. He would leave for days at a time. Come home. Get clothes. Then leave again. I still get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I finally left the man that I had loved all those years. And till this day, I still fight anxiety in my soul.

Needing something different.

Never  be with someone that allows you to go to bed feeling unloved confused and lonely. My ex played mind games all the time. I would cry myself to sleep feeling lost and alone. 11 years later I’ve allowed myself to feel unloved confused and lonely. What the fuck is wrong with me??